(1st ultrasound picture of our baby!)
Oh man, I was worried. I’m still worried, but maybe not quite as much now that I’ve made it out of the first trimester. I couldn’t help myself but my mind was always thinking about it. From the moment we saw that positive pregnancy test, I started thinking, “Don’t get too excited, you could easily have a miscarriage”. I didn’t have any reason to believe I had a higher risk than anyone else out there, but I know it is way more common than people make it seem. I have learned this based on the experiences of people I know or have heard about and all the statistics I have read. I didn’t want to be blind-sighted or naïve to think just because you get pregnant means you’ll be taking home a healthy baby in 9 months. I even made sure Grant was aware that becoming pregnant was great news but we weren’t out of the clear, yet. We talked about it a bit and I told him how often I worried about it, which was basically all the time. I tried pretty hard to concentrate on letting the worries go since there was nothing I could do about it. I knew it was probably best to just relax but that is easier said than done.
I really felt like I probably worried about it more than I should have. This was strange for me because I am normally a pretty positive person and I’m not used to having such pessimistic thoughts. I pretty much blocked out any thoughts of other baby-related planning and dreaming and only focused on the health and survival of our little growing baby. This was all I cared about and figured that nothing else would matter if our baby didn’t make it. A big relief came when we heard the heartbeat at 7 weeks. This was a huge milestone and proved to me that everything was in place for our baby to make it to this point. I had convinced myself that if the baby never reached this heartbeat stage, I could somehow cope better with the idea that it was never meant to be and that the baby never really had a chance to survive because of a chromosomal defect or something understandable like that. I’m sure those ideas would have flown out the window if we actually were faced with a miscarriage before hearing the heartbeat but that’s what I was telling myself.
(At 8 weeks 1 day, our baby resembles a gummy bear.)
Even though I felt some relief at this point, I would almost say I became even more worried because then I felt like we just had to make sure this baby survived. The baby proved it was viable so we had to make sure it would make it the rest of the way. I figured we were still in the high risk timeframe for the next 5 weeks and that just seemed like forever to me. And then I realized, even after you get out of that stage, the risks aren’t gone completely. We might still have a pre-term delivery in weeks 12-24, or a stillborn baby after that.
I don’t know if other moms-to-be worry about this as much as me, but I just can’t help myself. Maybe some people are blissfully ignorant of the risks and possibilities or are just more able to avoid thinking about it until they are faced with it. One thought that helps me is to remind myself that, either way, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I am not in control of this outcome. All I can do is send up my prayers for this precious little life and leave it up to God.